


A Proper Christmas

by BurningSlowly



Series: Safe Series [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Agoraphobia, American Educational System, Christmas, Christmas Decorations, Depression, First Christmas Together, M/M, Scars, Special education, mentions of past selfharm, nonmagic AU!, preschool teacher! Harry, snarrychristmas2020, working through issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28122759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningSlowly/pseuds/BurningSlowly
Summary: When Harry finds out that Severus hasn't celebrated Christmas before he decides to create a proper Christmas.Written for #SnarryChristmas2020This is an addition to Safe but can be read on its own.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Series: Safe Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2063553
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	1. A List

The chilled air was exactly what he needed as he ran off the bus. It was the one thing that made it feel like it was actually winter. With the season shift typically came less enjoyable memories but this year things were going to be different. This year he wasn’t going to be single on the holiday. 

Picking up the pace he rushed up the steps to Severus’s apartment. While neighboring doors already had a wreath or a festive bow on top, the door to apartment 311 remained as it always was. Not even the table and chairs that were tucked into the corner outside had been dressed up for the upcoming holidays.

 _“Maybe he only decorates the inside,”_ he thought as he knocked.

A smile could hardly be contained when Severus opened the door. Harry was sure that there could hardly be a moment when seeing Severus wouldn’t make him feel so happy. They were an official couple now just like Hermione and Ron were and he wanted to be everything that his friends were. He wanted to go on dates and relive moments like in the cheesy romance movies he forced Severus to watch with him last week. 

“Are you coming in or are you going to just stare at me?” Severus teased. 

Entering the apartment he readied to see the place decked out like something from a Christmas card but it was devoid of even a box labeled decorations. The living area remained as it always had; loveseat in front of a large tv that his DVD player was hooked up to, shelves covered in books, and Severus’s work desk in the corner. 

He couldn't understand why everything looked so normal it was already December 16th. For a fact he knew that Severus wasn’t against celebrating holidays, he’d helped come up with fun activities for his kids to do for Halloween and even suggested coming to visit for the next celebration at school. 

Harry was pouting at his walls, which he had no idea how to interpret. They weren’t any different than before and he was certain that he had done a great job of keeping them cobweb free.

“This will not do,” Harry said as he made his way throughout his home pointing at the blank walls. “Where are all the decorations?”

“Decorations?” he questioned watching Harry move around the apartment as if expecting a box filled with things to cover his blank walls would appear suddenly. 

Large eyes turned to him as if he had just committed the world’s worst crime. “You don’t have anything? Not even one box of Christmas ornaments.”

“I do not,” he said, somehow feeling guilty for his lack of holiday decor. 

“But... Do you not like Christmas?”

“That’s not the issue.”

It never had occurred to him to buy decorations. In all the years he had spent in this apartment he hadn’t had a reason to fill the walls with stockings or tinsel his nonexistent chimney or whatever people did during this time. It had always been just him alone in this place since his mother had passed. Before that...

“Let’s just say growing up I didn’t have the typical holiday celebration,” he said taking a seat.

Determination crossed Harry’s face. “We’ll fix that. Unless... you don’t want to.” Harry said, biting his lower lip.

“What would I need?” he asked, taking a hold of Harry’s hand.

Returning to that bright smile he loved Harry snatched a paper off his desk. “We should make a list.”

The list was a bit extensive but he really wanted to cover everything. Again he checked the list; he had the basic decorations like a tree and ornaments, typical Christmas treats like gingerbread cookies were a must. 

“So I would need to get all of this?” Severus asked looking over the list.

“I mean it’s not necessary to get everything” he worried his lip. 

_“It’s too much. You are going to waste all of his money over something that he doesn’t even want. This is a waste”_ the negative thoughts whispered in his head.

“I’ll be sure to order them tonight.”

“You can’t order them,” he objected.

Severus raised his brow. “I don’t see why not.”

“They won’t come in on time. It’s already the 16th. Besides, it was my idea so I can pick it up” he offered, already trying to figure out how many bus trips it would take to get everything. If only he could drive it wouldn’t be this big of a problem.

Severus smirked. “As entertaining as I can imagine riding the bus with a tree could be I don’t want to put you through the hassle.”

“Then could we go shopping together?” Trying to keep his hope from bursting through he waited for an answer. 

More times than he liked to admit he forgot about the major distinction that separated them as a couple than Hermione and Ron. Severus’s agoraphobia had contained him to this apartment until about a few months ago when they met. Little by little he’d seen improvement with Severus’ ability to handle leaving his home, but just like his own issues, there were good and bad days. Still, he hoped for a yes.

Keeping his hands from twitching and his mind venturing off with scenarios was difficult. Desperately he wanted to say yes. This year could be the first in a very long time that he could actually enjoy the holiday season. It wasn’t as if he were a grinch or a scrooge-like character he wasn’t going to outright cancel Christmas, but the thought of leaving this apartment always made him tense. This damn sense of doom that took over when he stepped out was beyond frustrating. Harry deserved far more than he could offer. He deserved someone who could freely walk out in the world, someone who could surprise him at work with lunch or any one of those grand gestures that came at the end of romantic movies. And he wanted to do those things, he wanted to be supportive and not worry that his personal issues were just adding on to Harry’s already heavy plate. The man hardly needed another person to look after he was busy enough with his students. 

Green pleading eyes gazed at him. How could he ever say no to them? If Harry asked him to go to the moon together he would try his best to do so.

“Yes. We should do the shopping together.”

Harry beamed. Bouncing on the balls of his feet like a little kid.

“Would you like to go today?” he asked, feeling a bit confident in the moment.

Glancing at his watch Harry shook his head. “Hermione will have a fit if I don’t meet up with her. We can do it tomorrow.”

Silently he thanked the much-needed time to gather himself. 

“In honor of the season we are going to watch one of my holiday favorites” Harry announced opening up his case of DVDs. 

It didn’t cease to amaze him how little of a dent they had made into Harry’s vast collection over these months together.

“I’m sure you’ve seen this one, it's a classic.” Popping in the DVD Harry crawled back to the loveseat resting against the legs of the chair. 

“No popcorn?” he teased as Harry leaned his head against his knee. 

“After this, I have to get on the bus,” Harry said over the old commercials. “I promise when I’m on winter break we are going to eat all the popcorn we can stomach.”

Chuckling he placed a kiss onto Harry’s forehead just as the opening credits to the original animated Grinch came on.


	2. Shopping

_ Is today still a good day to do a little shopping? _

Severus had been staring at the text for far longer than he should've.

Confirming with the list Harry had made for him he didn't think the word little was all that truthful. This morning he had dug through dusty boxes from the cupboard under the stairs with hopes of knocking off a few things from the list to no avail. All his efforts had gained him was an hour of vacuuming and reorganizing the boxes that he should’ve dealt with years ago. 

Taking a deep breath he texted back a  _ Yes. _

He could handle this. He had enough time to prepare but not enough to properly fixate on it to the point where he wouldn't be able to set out of the apartment. 

“It will be worth it,” he said staring at the list. “Shopping.” He muttered looking around for what he needed to survive the ordeal. 

He laid his wallet on the kitchen counter. Gently he laid Harry's iPod next to it. “Phone. Coat. Money. iPod, phone, coat, money” he repeated touching each item. That seemed to be everything.  _ “Now for the hard part”,  _ he thought with a hint of dread pooling in his stomach. "This is for Harry, '' he reminded himself as he found himself pacing. “I can-”

No, he couldn't do it yet. Taking another breath he moved to his computer. Twitchy fingers typed in pursuit of finding the possible shopping that could be done around his apartment. From everything on the list he highly doubted that they would go to the party store like last time or the market around the corner. 

Pinching and dragging the icons of the online map he could feel his breathing grow heavier and heavier. There was a mall nearby that could provide the majority if not all the things Harry wanted, there were two large supermarkets at opposite ends both requiring the use of a bus. And if he followed the possible bus routes instead of just walking distance there were even more possible locations stretching further and further from the safety of his home.

stop. 

“I need to stop.” Forcefully he pushed himself away from his computer. 

“How's it going, mate? Ron asked as he made his way into his classroom. 

“Almost there,” he said tapping the backspace button as he tried to type out the word  _ asynchronous _ . There were just some words that he couldn't get right no matter how many times he had to type them. “I just have to type a few more notes on my kid then I'm going to spend time with Severus.”

“Do you want me to drop you off?”

“That would be great actually.” Rolling his shoulders he tried to think of a better way to explain the changes that he would need for his student’s Individual Education Plan. “I’m nearly there,” he said, catching Ron picking at the dried glue on their arts and crafts desk. 

“Take your time.”

“I really just need a word to explain that my student can’t identify a group of objects as a number. You know like the number of dots on a domino.”

“Subitize.”

“That’s it!” He shook his head as he typed it into his report. “I’ve been trying to work out what it was called all day.”

Closing his laptop he double-checked his classroom keys before following Ron out.

“So,” Ron said as they made the short walk from the classroom to the parking lot. “Things are going well with him?”

“Yeah.” He could feel his cheeks heat up. “Really well.”

It still felt so foreign to talk about being in a relationship. Ron was always pushing him to get out and find someone and now that he did it just felt odd but in a good way. He was sure that Ron missed taking him to bars or teasing about downloading the newest dating app. He’d been with Severus for only a few months and yet he could say they acted just as much like an old married couple as Hermione and Ron did. Although he did prefer staying in and watching movies he had to admit that they weren’t ancient enough not to go out and relive their college days a bit. 

“Maybe we should have a party together at Severus’s apartment soon. I could convince him to add it to the list.”

“What list?”

“He hasn't really celebrated Christmas in a while so I'm teaching him all the important stuff.”

Ron chuckled. “That's so much like you. So…” Ron drummed his fingers against his steering wheel. “Have you decided anything about winter break coming up? I mean are you going to stay together throughout the whole break? You're not joining ‘mione and me this year right,'' Bopping himself in the head he quickly added. “Not that we don't want you there.”

“I…” He paused thinking about what his usual plans were during this time.”I don't know...I haven't talked to him yet.”

“Well, no rush. Sort of.” Ron shrugged. “So you're going shopping today?”

“Yeah we are going to buy everything he could need for the holidays” he smiled.

“You don't want me tagging along right? You know, in case,”

He tugged at his sleeve. “We'll be fine,'' he said fighting off the whispers of doubt in his head. 

“Sorry,” Ron said as they made the turn into Severus’s apartment complex. 

“I know you're just looking out for me.” He tugged on his sleeve once more. “Let Hermione know that I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Ron pointed ahead. “There he is,”

Severus sat at the bench by the bus stop, headphones firmly in his ears. Before Ron could come to a full stop he yanked off his seatbelt.

“Harry! Wait!” Ron scolded as the passenger seatbelt alarm went off.

The second Ron unlocked his door he ran.

“Were you waiting long?” Harry's question barely cut through the volume of the music in his ears. 

“No,'' he said tugging out one earbud. It was almost shameful how his hands couldn't stop shaking even now that Harry was here. His legs refused to get up so soon. He didn't know where he was going. He felt so unprepared for everything. It wasn't safe outside. 

“Is today a bad day?” Harry asked, concerned eyes searching his face.

He scolded his face even more. Clearly, Harry had been looking forward to going out again. The last time they had gone beyond his apartment was three… no five weeks ago. He could do this. So far he had made it all this way. To turn back now would be a complete waste.

"Harry," Mr. Weasley said, sticking his head out of his car. It looked as though he were about to say some unflattering words but before he could say anything words were leaping out of his own mouth.

"Is Mr. Weasley joining us today?"

If there was another person he knew in attendance then maybe he could get through this. In addition, avoiding the bus would help immensely.

"I umm..." Mr. Weasley looked at Harry.

He tried to contain his composure; tried to appear that he didn't care about either outcome but he knew that neither would be as preferable than rushing back to his apartment.

Harry looked between Ron and Severus. On one hand, he wanted it to just be the two of them. Ron would be obligated to report every and anything to Hermione. If there was as much as a misplaced comment she might not even give him the choice of what he would do for the holidays. On the other hand, Severus didn't exactly look to be one hundred percent on board with going out today. 

“Stupid” he muttered to himself. With all the excitement he didn't think of how hard all of this would be on Severus. How long had it taken him to just make it to this bus stop today? How long could he handle being out in the open like this? Ron knew this would happen.  _ “I'm the worst person in the world.”  _

“Come on in,” Ron said.

Practically jumping into the car Severus pulled him along.

He was the one in a relationship with Severus and he had already failed to realize the pressure he had put on him. Just moments ago he felt so confident about this and now...

“Where are we going?'' Severus asked, sinking into the chair. “I would prefer to know the exact location.”

“The mall?” Ron asked looking through the rearview mirror. 

Instantly Severus turned to stone next to him.

“Or should we go to your usual place Harry?” Ron offered looking equally as tense.

“The usual place,” he said, not feeling exactly up for this trip anymore.

“Where is that?” Severus asked, running his thumb over the circular pad of his old iPod.

Quickly he pulled up the location of the nearby thrift shop on his phone and handed it to him. “It won't be as packed as the mall and we can rescue some old decorations, give them a new home.”

Nodding he scrolled through the images of the thrift store trying to gain as much information on his location as possible. Helpfully there was a bar chart that pointed out the store's busy hours. Mercifully when he glanced at the time above the car radio it didn't fall into the peak hours. 

Again and again, he flipped through the photos trying to memorize the front entrance at the very least. When that proved not enough he switched it to GPS. Like a vulture watching its prey, he followed the moving blue dot that was Mr.Weasley's car inch closer to the red mark. Simultaneously he wanted to reach their destination quicker and not at all. He thanked the fact that they hadn't taken a bus, according to the GPS it would've taken thirty minutes instead of ten. If they walked it would've taken them closer to two hours, which for him would've been more like eight. Turning it back to tracking a car's route he eased his grip on the phone.

“You've arrived at your destination” the robotic voice announced the second they drove into the ditch of a parking lot. 

“I'm going to go on ahead,'' Ron said before leaving them alone in the car.

Silently Severus watched Ron enter the building, his hand gripping onto his seatbelt as if determining if he should leave the safety of the car to bring him back. 

“Severus,”

The man flinched before turning his eyes to him.

“We can take as long as you need.”

Swallowing hard Severus nodded. 

“Could I have my phone back?”

“I didn't realize” Severus muttered, his hand shaking as he returned his phone. 

Slowly the cold from outside started to seep into the car. He wanted to get into the store and grab a few things but he had to wait. And he would wait until Severus was ready no matter how much his fingers started to turn into little icicles or the way hugging his arms around himself did very little to stop his shivering. Severus didn't look at all cold, in fact, he looked hot as he wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“We should go in,” Severus said, his voice not sounding exactly like himself. 

“Okay,” he said, remembering that Severus had previously mentioned that he shouldn't allow him to question his decision in time like this. 

Getting out of the car he quickly moved around to Severus's side. “Come on,” He held a hand out which agonizingly slowly Severus took. 

His legs wobbled as they pressed into the swaying ground. His breaths were far too shallow to calm him. Swallowing down his pleas to return to the car already he kept moving forward. 

“Wait let's get a picture,” Harry said, pulling out his phone. With a  _ click,  _ he was looking at his own strained face. 

Harry chuckled. “We'll get a better one later. But now we can add it to the places you've been.”

Harry was right. He could do this. “Thank you,'' he said, feeling more sure of his steps.

Entering the building he pressed against Harry's arm as he took a shopping basket from the front. Taking a breath he took in his new surroundings to his left there was a large rack of shoes ranging from sneakers to sparkle high heels. Ahead was the counter where different jewelry was behind a glass and two women were managing the old looking cash register. 

“Alright?” Harry whispered as he pulled him further into the building.

Nodding he looked to the rows of clothing organized by color. For some reason, four wedding dresses were pinned to the wall above eye level as if they were art pieces. Past the section of mismatched plates and toys, Harry stopped right next to the far wall of books. Abandoning his clutch on Harry's sleeve he dived into the collection trying to make sense of its organization. After a second he realized there was none; whoever had done a great job of color coordinating the clothing had either not had the inclination to organize the books or simply gave up after having them rearranged constantly. Fighting the urge to move things around he settled for running his finger down each spine reading their titles. There were quite a few books that he owned among them. 

_ Click. _

He turned to Harry, smiling like an idiot. 

He'd almost completely forgotten that Harry had brought him here. 

“See anything you like?” Harry shook his empty basket.

“I'm not sure,” he said knowing that it would be a waste of space to purchase a book that he already owned.

“Would it be okay if I went to the decorations?” Harry asked, pointing to the aisle right next to them. 

“I…” The palms of his hands started to tingle. He was an adult capable of being by himself.  _ “Not safe,''  _ his mind whispered.  _ “He's going to leave you and not come back. You'll be trapped here. It's not safe.” _

Suddenly there was an image of colorful fish in front of him. Confused, he listened as a voice read the words “One fish, two fish, green fish, blue fish." 

The pages turned, continuing the story until the very end. Looking up he saw Harry looking guilty.

Harry hugged the bright yellow book to his chest. “Sorry. I didn't mean to set you off” He whispered feeling the edge of the book press into his arm.  _ “You've been triggering him all afternoon”  _ the negative voice in his head accused. “Do you want to go home? I can just ask Ron to grab a few things later.”

“I do not think I'm able to be left alone here,” Severus said flatly.

“Then I won't leave you.” Automatically their hands found each other once more. 

_ “He's forcing himself,”  _ his negative voice said but he moved to the decoration aisle.

The shelves of ornaments always helped lift him up during this time. “It's silly but to me it feels like I'm adopting them,'' he said picking up a reindeer that was missing a leg. “Many people think that it's just junk.”

Severus didn't say a word as he placed the reindeer back. “Growing up I had tons of toys with missing arms or that needed some tape to keep it together, but I promise not to fill your Christmas tree with three-legged reindeers.”

“One wouldn't be so bad,” Severus said, placing the reindeer into the basket.

“We should think of a theme: is your tree going to be Santa's workshop or just bulbs?”

“I have little preference but since you are assisting me it is our tree, not mine alone.”

Our, the word made his cheeks heat up.

“Mate, they got two trees here which one will you want?” Ron asked calling dibs on the two boxed trees by simply holding on to them for dear life.

“We should probably go with the smaller one right?” he glanced at Severus, who looked over the dimensions written on the box. 

“A nine-foot tree would not fit in my apartment” he agreed.

“Alright, I'll take it to the car.”

“Are you sure you don't need assistance?” Severus offered.

“I got it. Nothing like lifting produce around to build up some muscle.” Ron laughed at himself. “You might want to get some extra lights though just in case.” He motioned with a tilt of his head to the pile of brand new lights. 

“Thanks.” 

Bending down Severus examined the lights. “Three should be sufficient for the tree.”

“Did you want to put lights on the walls too or-”

“I'm just following your lead,'' he smirked. “Do you have lights up in your classroom?”

I wish I could. For one it's a fire hazard and two I have kids with light-sensitive epilepsy. We do have a tiny tree just like this one” he said lifting up a tree no bigger than a few inches tall. “Ours sings which is good and bad because Aiden is obsessed with it.” 

Clearly, he could imagine Aiden pressing the button then flailing his hand in front of his face.

“Would these be good?” He asked, showing a bagged bundle of red circular bulb ornaments.

“Is red going to be our color? “Harry asked, pulling out other plastic-wrapped ornaments out of a bin. 

“Would that be bad?”

“A bit cliche but we can mix it up with some other things, like this,” Harry said holding up a pack of fuzz balls that had faces on them.

“What is that supposed to be?”

“Bears?” Harry guessed turning the package over in his hands.

“I've never seen a bear that looked like that,” he snickered.

Harry shrugged. “Artistic interpretation?” 

“How about this?” he asked, holding up what was basically just a cup with a few pompoms barely held on to it.

“Don't laugh at that.” Holding back a laugh Harry continued. “That’s something my kids would make.”

“I’m sure your kids would do a better job.”

Smiling Harry draped a length of garland around him like a boa. Returning the favor he placed a Santa hat on top of him that had the word Presents written in bold puff paint with three exclamation marks. 

Combing through random assortments of Christmas decor they loaded up their basket and still had to use their arms to carry the stacked spools of lights and whatever else Harry thought would make his apartment more festive.

“Ron, could you hold this for a sec? I saw something we have to get!” 

In the seconds that Harry was gone he stuck close to Mr. Weasley. Is he always like this

“No, I think he’s toning it down for you.”

“Really?” He asked motioning to the collection that they had acquired.

“So... you’ve never celebrated Christmas before?”

“Not in this way no. Christmas was just a typical day.”

“It has always been a big thing for my family so I guess you could blame me for giving Harry the Christmas bug.” Mr. Wealsey laughed quietly. “The first time I brought Harry home for the holidays he was like a kid in a candy store. It means a lot that you are letting him fill your place with all this stuff.” For a moment it looked as though Mr, Weasley wanted to say something more but Harry appeared in the moment his mouth opened to speak. 

“Got what you wanted?”

“Yup,” Harry said mischievously hiding it behind his back. “I’ll pay for this stuff so you can go back to the car with Ron.”

“I should pay for some of it,” he insisted.

“Nope. It’s our decorations.” 

“Precisely, ours,” he said pulling out his wallet. 

“Fine give me like ten dollars.” Harry shook his head at his raised brow. “I'm serious the decorations are on sale today. Not everyone waits until the last minute to buy decorations.”

“It’s not the last minute.”

“Thank you Mr. Wealsey for proving that a week’s time is not last minute.”

Laughing, Harry took the stuff from them. “Go on I will take care of it.”

“Come on,” Mr. Weasley said motioning for him to follow. 

He kept turning around trying to keep Harry in his sight as they left. 

“You did great today.”

Blinking, he turned to Mr. Weasley who was holding open the car door for him.

“Is that alright to say?” Mr. Weasley rubbed the back of his head. “I mean you probably don't want to hear that from me right. You actually looked like you were having a bit fun.”

“I did enjoy some of it.” He held onto his now shaking hand. It was as if his mind was catching back up with the fact that he was far away from his apartment again.

“I don’t mean to be rude,” he said, pulling out Harry's old iPod again. 

“Do what you gotta do.” With a tight smile, Mr. Weasley leaned against the passenger side allowing him to slip into the car and turn up the volume of the music without guilt. Through the window, he watched Mr. Weasley ran back towards the thrift store to help Harry pick up a bag before it dropped. The two seemed to exchange a few words. Hugging the package tight against himself Harry waved towards him. Neither of them said a word after the packages were loaded up in the back and they started the trip back to his apartment.

One hand gripping the handle above the car door he stared at the racing asphalt. Lines blurring into mixes of yellow and whites amongst black. He felt far too alert about the passing space that his eyes began to droop but each moment he jostled himself out of sleep’s grasp. He needed to make sure that they made it back in one piece. Needed to study the backgrounds that he had missed on the way here. His unoccupied hand fiddled with the middle seat’s seatbelt.

A light tap on the back of his hand made him look away from the road. Tapping his hand again Harry laid his hand open. Understanding the silent question he intertwined their fingers. Hands clasped together they both looked out their respected windows.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he asked as he helped drop off the decorations into Severus’s apartment.

“Shouldn’t you be focusing on your schoolwork?”

“Nope. Tomorrow is my last day before break. No school for two weeks and trust me my kids are more than ready for the lack of school.”

“Well, then I will see you tomorrow.” 

“Don’t touch the decorations until I come back okay.”

“Alright.”


	3. Deck The Halls

“Alright everyone!” he called his students over to their work table. “Teddy don't” he warned the small child who was about to place a red pompom into his mouth. “It's not a snack.”

Flashing a mischievous smile Teddy put back the pompom.

“Today we are going to make reindeer. First, we are going to trace your hands then we are going to color our paper brown.”`

“No color” Aiden objected. 

“Yes color,'' he said showing off his example. “Then we will glue eyes, nose, and antlers... Tada!” He exclaimed, shaking his ornament so that the large googly-eyed reindeer shook. 

“My turn!” Teddy volunteered already reaching for the paper. Followed by Rachel's own excited unintelligible words the two hurried to get their coloring down.

Clutching his marker at an awkward angle, Harry tried to help Aiden put at least a little bit of coloring onto his ornament but a few motions were all he was able to get before Aiden started pushing against his chair to leave. On the other end of the table, Teddy was scribbling like a madman marker covering every inch of his pams and a good majority onto the desk.

_ “Thank goodness for the washable markers,” _ he thought as he checked over Natalie who kept sticking her fingers into the glue every time Luna helped squeeze some onto her reindeer. Silent as ever, Ethan concentrated on his work making sure that every white spot was covered. It had been a good idea to use markers instead of crayons or Ethan would take up the entire afternoon to finish.

“DONE!” Teddy exclaimed, showing off his masterpiece.

“Very nice” he smiled, moving it onto the drying rack. “Would you like to make one for Mr. Snape as well?”

Not having to be asked twice, Teddy grabbed another paper plate and began the whole process again. Rachel quickly followed behind.

“Those look great,” Hermione said as she walked into his classroom after school. “Even Aiden did great” she commented on the reindeer that looked a bit like a brown striped zebra. 

“They also made some for Severus,” he said, unable to stop himself from smiling.

“How are things going between you two?”

“As great as it was the last time you asked, which was let’s see..” Pressing a finger to his chin he pretended to be in deep thought. “Yesterday.”

Hermione huffed.

By now he was convinced that she would never stop worrying about him. 

Delicately setting the ornaments for Severus in a box he caught her thin-lipped look. 

“What?”

“Have you talked to him about your plans for the holidays?”

“Not yet.” 

“You have to do it soon Harry. You should’ve done it yesterday or a week ago.”

“I know. I was going to ask if I could just stay with him this year.” Resisting biting his lip he glanced at her. Truthfully he had been procrastinating telling Hermione about wanting to stay with Severus. On some level, she had to know that he would choose to stay, but he did feel bad about missing out on his usual plans with her and Ron. He really should’ve talked through this decision a while ago... Mrs. Weasley was going to be upset that he wouldn’t show up. The one thing that he was thankful for was that he wouldn’t have to endure Ron’s sister Ginny hanging all over him. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, we are going to do all the best Christmas traditions. I bet Ron told you we went shopping yesterday. We got all these great things. Today we're going to start decorating.”

“What if he says no? Not that I want him to say no” she said quickly. “It's just this is time for family and friends.”

“Which is why I want to stay with him. He has been alone all this time... I wouldn't be able to stop worrying about him.” He picked at his thumb a little. “If he says no then I'll just spend Christmas day on my own.”

Even without looking at her, he knew that she was frowning. If she had it her way she'd shrink him and keep him within her pocket so she would never lose sight of him. There were times, he would never admit out loud, that scenario sounded good but this wasn't one of those times. He wanted to spend this Christmas with Severus and if it came with little risk of being stuck in his own apartment if he said no then he would cross that bridge when he got there. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t spent a holiday alone before. And he knew without a doubt that Hermione would be on the next flight back from her in-laws if he simply texted. 

“For my sake and yours please ask him soon.”

“I’ll have our days packed until Christmas eve.” 

Shaking her head she leaned against his desk. “Since you are not going to do any paperwork before leaving here tell me your plans.”

  
  


The day had moved quickly into the evening and despite not having gotten a single thing done he didn’t feel all that disappointed in himself for taking the much-needed downtime. 

Bzzz

Picking up his phone he smiled at the image of Harry standing in front of his students all wearing paper Santa hats.

He could hardly wait until Harry returned. The bags from yesterday had remained untouched as promised though he did nearly give in to the temptation perhaps once or twice in between reading. “I should’ve bought a book yesterday,” he thought out loud just as his phone buzzed once more.

_ Heading over soon. _ Read the text. 

Not even a full minute later a knock came at his door.

“Who’s ready to deck the halls?” Harry announced the second the door opened. Not even waiting for a “come in” he hurried inside, laying his backpack to the side of the loveseat before snatching the first bag of decorations. 

Smirking he followed right behind. “So what should we do first?”

“Well there are about a million ideas going through my head, but you are sure about this right?”

Walking closer he took one of the bags from Harry. “You are more than welcomed to do as you please to this apartment.”

“Really?” If he looked deep enough he swore he could see stars in Harry’s emerald eyes. 

“Well, you have free reign everywhere besides the bedroom.”

Red blossomed over Harry’s face. This hadn’t been the first time such beautiful color colored his light tanned skin. 

“You know what's great about DVD players they doubled as cd players!” Harry said leaving the decorations and picking a Christmas CD out of his DVD case. 

“Do you have a collection of CDs as well?” 

“Not as much as DVDs but yeah. I was one of those people who decorated their room with discs.”

“Should I worry about what you snuck into this bag yesterday?” He teased slowly, pulling out the garland.

“Hey, it was cool up until the moment they reflected so much that it hurt.” 

“You are quite interesting.”

Hitting the play button Harry smiled. “Let's get decorating!”

Hearing the music brought back fuzzy flashes of roaming around the shopping center with his mother. If he closed his eyes he could see her face formed strict with frightened eyes as she held him so close as if any second would rip him away from her...In the end, a split moment had taken her away from him.

“You don't like it?” Harry asked as they started to hand the garland. “You're making a face,” he said, answering his unspoken question. 

“I’m,” He ran his fingers through the plastic shine of the garland. ‘“Just remembering something that I hadn't thought about in a long time.” Plainly he could tell Harry wanted to know more but didn't want to pry. “Believe it or not there was once a time that I was out in the world during this time.” Handing over the hooks to Harry he thought of the way to share things about himself that didn’t fit with the festive air they were trying to create. “As you know my family didn't exactly celebrate,” he said remembering the way his father got more violent during this time. He could almost hear him accusing them of how they looked down on him for not providing useless festive decor. Phantom pains of fists pulsed against his chest. It was the wrong time for this he knew it. “My father was against all of it.”

Harry gave an understanding nod.

“But when my mother and I used to go out we would hear these insistent songs” he scoffed. “It was always the same songs that repeated over and over. She loved them up until-”

A hand laid on his giving a little squeeze.

For a moment only the song filled the silence. 

Clearing the frog in his throat he spoke. “Do you have a favorite song?”

The song switched over a woman's voice, her almost somber voice filling the apartment: _ Have yourself a very merry little Christmas. _

“This one,” Harry said.

“I would think you’d like the more upbeat ones.”

“There's something about it that just feels real you know,” he started to sway in time to the music.

_ From now on, our troubles will be miles away _

“Believe it or not it was more of a depressive song when it started.” 

_ Here were are as in the olden days _

_ Happy golden days of yore _

“Little by little it changed but I do think that those changes were for the better.”

_ Faithful friends who are dear to us _

_ Gather near to us once more _

Offering a hand Severus asked, “May I have this dance?”

With a smile, Harry pulled up close. Slowly they swayed together. Softly Severus hummed along to the song. He had heard this song so many times but it was this moment that he truly appreciated each word. Laying his head against Severus they continued to rock back and forth. 

_ And have yourself a merry little Christmas now _

As the song faded out he clung to his back not wanting the magic of the moment to break so soon. The music on the CD hardly cared what he wanted, blasting the start of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. There was hardly a way to dance to that song aside from incredibly detailed ballet but even so, Severus didn’t pull away. Hands remained curled around him holding him so close that he could hear the way their heart beats stepped in time with one another. Laughing a little to himself he lifted his head. “We better get going with the decorations or we’ll never finish today.”

“Who says we need to finish today?” Severus whispered. 

Those words were almost enough to disregard every plan he had made for them and let Severus hold him like this until Hermione came to drag him back to work in the new year. 

“I do have a bus to catch back home soon.”

“Then I suppose we’ll just have to meet up earlier tomorrow.”

“Sev-” Words left him entirely despite having so much to say. He wanted to ask to stay the night like he had wanted to so many times over these months together. And he wanted to continue their eighth-grade-esque dancing as much as he wanted to kiss until air became necessary. But there still was a voice inside him that stopped him from asking more. 

When it came to working with his students he always knew how far he could broaden their experiences, knew how to overcome setbacks and bad days. With Severus it was so much harder. And he knew it was that way because he really loved this man more than anyone ever before him. Way more than short-lived flings that had left him in dark places that his friends always fished him out of. Severus was different in so many ways. Being together made him happy, genuinely happy. That happiness was reflected in the way he looked at him like now, those dark eyes solely fixed on him and a small smile pulled on his lips. 

“Would you be able to handle leaving the apartment like this?” he asked bringing attention to the way the garland laid half along the walls in swoops that suddenly stopped. With the way Severus always kept his apartment pristine and organized he was sure that it would drive him mad.

“One more song then we shall deal with our drooping garland.” 

Picking up the remote the CD was rewind and the beginning notes of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas began once more.


	4. Winter Wonderland

The knocking on the door pulled him away from his current task. It was nearly the agreed time he was going to see Harry again. He was more than grateful that he had been able to finish in time. Hooking in the final piece onto the wall he went to the door. 

“Good morning Severus” Albus greeted with a large package in his hands. His eyes twinkled even more than usual as it glanced above the door frame.

Following the line of sight, he noticed the mistletoe that Harry had to have snuck on the other day while he wasn't looking. 

“It seems someone is getting into the spirit this year.”

“Don't look at me like that,'' he said, feeling slightly embarrassed. If Albus saw the inside of his home there would be no end to the teasing. For all the years he had known the man he had never tried to keep up with his neighbors' elaborate festive displays. 

“I don't know what you mean,'' Albus said laying down the neat stack of boxes at his feet. Boxes that contained even more festive elements that he would never have thought to purchase if it weren't for Harry.

“Would you like some tea?”

“None today, the holidays keep me busy.” Without a doubt Albus and all other postal workers had to be far busier than Santa was this time of the year. He admired the old man for keeping up with the high demands with a cheery smile. 

“And yet you have time to tease me.”

“I will always have time for that my boy.” Smiling like an old fool, Albus pecked a kiss onto his forehead and with a second he heard the unmistakable  _ click _ of a photo being taken.

“Perfect!” Harry laughed as Severus's shocked face looked at him. 

“Albus” Severus glared.

“Couldn't resist.”Albus laughed. “You have to follow the tradition if you are going to put it up.” 

“It wasn't my idea” Severus objected.

Laughing he slipped his phone into his pocket. “Are you joining us Albus? We could use an extra pair of hands to put up the tree.”

“Afraid I can’t. I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.”

“What surprise?”

Albus winked as he moved past.

“What was that?”

Severus bent over to pick up his boxes. “Nothing.”

“Do you need help with those?” he asked, adjusting his backpack.

“I can manage although, could you wait out here for a moment? There is something I need to check on.”

“Okay,” he said, feeling his heart pick up just a little as they stood under the mistletoe together for a brief second. 

Disappearing into the apartment he was left alone to sit and scroll through his phone. It reminded him of the first few times he had come to visit Severus. To think that they had been together for such a short time was nearly unthinkable. When they sat in and watched movies together or talked about work it felt like they had done so for years.

Clicking on his photo gallery he smiled at the photo of them trying on various hats from the first day they were able to get out of this apartment. Flipping through the other pictures he paused on the one with Severus surrounded by his students. He had hoped that he would visit again, but just going to the thrift store had been such a struggle.  _ “But he did it.”  _

“You may come in now,'' Severus said offering his hand. 

Excitement pooled in his chest as he was led through the door. He imagined the whole place dressed ceiling to floor in tinsel or streamers but as they stepped inside his feet faltered. The living room was covered from ceiling to floor but not in anything Christmassy it was covered in thick plastic sheets commonly used for home renovations.

“I think you've gotten your holidays mixed up. This looks like you're going to murder me.” 

“That wasn't my intention,” Severus said looking around the wrapped up room. “I thought it would aid in the cleanup.”

“Again something a murder would say” he chuckled. “Why is it so cold in here?'' he asked, pushing his hands under his armpits for warmth.

“I thought it would help us imagine this as somewhere besides my living room.” With a  _ click  _ of a button he could hear a motor go off causing white fluff to fall from above. Sticking his hand out he caught some of it in the palm of his hand. "Snow?"

"Artificial snow practically bubbles but yes." Severus flashed a small smile. “You left out playing in the snow off the list of holiday activities.”

Another  _ click _ set off another device in the opposite corner and the Tv played images of a cabin in the distance.

He couldn't hold back his smile. “You made it snow in your living room for me?” 

“Is this a completely stupid idea?”

“Not at all.” He rose to his tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “Do the machines have a quicker setting?”

“Why?”

“Because I want to see if we can build a snowman!”

Machines running at full capacity mixed with a few cans of fake snow that Severus had bought online provided just enough for them to roll together a snowman that reached about the height of his knee.

“I don't think this is going to last,” Severus said, trying to hold up the mountain of bubbles that was their snowman.

“I guess we'll just have to…” Taking a scoop of the mixture he flung it at Severus. If it were a real snowball it would've made a better impact than just clinging to his chest.

Smirking Severus met his challenge, taking a handful placing it onto his head.

“Oh it's on!” he said, taking a handful and running to the other end of the room. 

Like children they flung the fake snow around, shoving some in each other's shirts when they got close enough. Seizing his chance to win this "snowball fight" he tried to sneak up on Severus but in the last second he turned around causing him to slip. Grabbing ahold of him he cushioned his fall.

“Oops,” he laughed against Severus's chest. 

“We probably should end this before one of us gets extremely hurt.” Severus ran a hand through his soapy hair. 

“Sure,” he said, looking deep into those onyx eyes. 

Severus smirked. “Or would you prefer we remain like this?”

“Maybe for a little longer,” he said before capturing those thin lips

Snow continued to fall as they took their time neither one of them wanting to break the kiss. Severus was saving away these moments, committing the way Harry had laughed and doused him in fake snow to memory. These moments made the rest of his life seem so insignificant in comparison. All those years tucked away in this apartment alone felt all that more empty in times like this. He was so lucky to have gotten to spend these months with Harry. Although he knew he could live without the man he never wanted to even think of not having him around.

“What are you thinking about?” Harry asked.

He raised his brow.

“You have that look.” Harry's face slacked, his tongue poking out a little bit like a dog staring at his own reflection.

“That is not how I look.”

Harry laughed, rolling a little so that even more fake snow gathered in his messy locks. 

“I was just thinking about us.” Lifting himself from the ground he felt the uncomfortable squish of his soaked shirt. “We really must clean up.”

“If we must,” Harry said, shaking the fluff from his hair.

“It does seem a shame that we can't just let it run,'' he said unplugging the machines as Severus used his height to pull down the plastic sheets. 

“The landlord would have a fit.”

Shrugging he rolled up the covered plastic on the ground. It was tempting to lay it outside the door and use it as a slip n slide. 

“What holiday movie is on your list tonight?” Severus asked over the sound of crumpling plastic.

“I'll have to consult my collection.” It took a while for him to find his case of DVDs because at first he hadn't recognized it under the layers of seriously packed plastic. He could almost see Severus checking and double-checking to make sure that none of his discs or his DVD player would get damaged from their snow day. 

“You might need these,” Severus said, handing over a pair of scissors.

“Thank you.” 

“I’m going to change unless you would like to go first.”

Taking in Severus’ soaked shirt he shook his head. “You go ahead.”

“It is no trouble if you need spare clothes.”

“Thanks,” he said, focusing on trying to free his things from their plastic wrap prison. Layer after layer he peeled off. “Achoo!” he caught his sneeze in his elbow. Realizing that he was still cold he left his discarded plastic on the floor swearing to pick it up when he returned. 

“Severus?” He shivered. Ignoring the door built into the stairs he hurried to the second floor. All the time he spent in this apartment he hadn’t gone upstairs. Was there a real need to? 

Upstairs appeared to be more claustrophobic with the way three doors pressed against each other in an L formation. There was hardly anything that distinguished them from each other. 

Lifting his finger he pointed to each one “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.” 

Opening the picked door he froze. 

All the cold vanished into uncomfortable warmth that pooled in a way that made his heart unable to set a correct pace. His eyes remained drawn to the flash of skin that peeked out from the way Severus's bathrobe crossed across his chest. The top of chest hair poking out gave way to thoughts that were not completely new to him. This was the first time seeing even a fraction of what lay beneath, though that hardly meant he hadn’t imagined what was hidden behind button-up shirts. And in the seconds that past he could relate to what it must’ve been for a man in the late 18 hundreds to see a hint of skin. Which was beyond ridiculous. And yet he couldn’t stop staring and wanting to touch what laid in front of him. 

“Harry?”

“ Harry?” he asked a second time, coming closer to the petrified man in his doorway. He looked to be miles away. Had something happened downstairs, that could explain this change. “Harry?” He asked a third time laying a hand onto his shoulder. 

“W-what?” Emerald eyes coming back to reality blinked back at him. “I’m sorry.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” he bit his lip a little. “I changed my mind about those clothes...you offered.”

“Oh,” he sighed in relief. Although emerald eyes still seemed to be distracted by something as he moved to fetch the pair of lounge pants and a shirt. “You sure there’s nothing else?” he asked as he laid the change of clothes in his hands.

“Nope, all good,” Harry said practically bolting from his room. 

“Idiot” Harry muttered to himself as he hid away in the bathroom downstairs. “Just how long was I going to stand there?” he asked his reflection.  _ “How long am I going to hide?'' _ he thought as he tossed his soapy clothes to the ground. 

The sound of popcorn popping could be heard beyond the bathroom door. He really needed to get a hold of himself. But even walking out felt so hard when he couldn’t let go of what he saw. And his borrowed clothes hardly assisted in that fact. He had to ignore it if only for now.

“Popcorn?” Severus offered. 

Popcorn was perhaps the furthest thing from what he wanted right now still he nodded as he made his way back to the DVD player. 

There had to be something occupying Harry. Coming downstairs he hadn’t found anything that would indicate that distress of any kind. But even with his back turned towards him he knew Harry was biting the edge of his lip. “Did you decide on a movie?”

“Muppet Christmas Carol. They’re puppets-”

“I do know who the Muppets are.” He smirked. “I was able to sneak in a few glimpses of them when my father was blacked out.”

Perhaps it was the wrong thing to say but it was the truth. Few and far between were moments like watching singing puppets on tv when he was growing up. There was no reason to hide facts. 

Tapping against the cushion of the loveseat Harry took to answer his unspoken question. As the open credits rolled they relaxed against each other, hands meeting in the popcorn bowl. Shy smiles and side glances were caught all throughout the movie but he didn’t know their meaning. Even as their lips met for a quick goodnight kiss he wasn’t sure why it felt as though he should’ve done something more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! More chapters to come!


	5. String the Lights

“I must be doing something wrong,” Harry said, laying his head in his hands. Why he had decided to come to Ron and Hermione’s place was as big of a question as it should’ve been. They were his closest friends, but it had to be far too early to bother them with his personal problems.

“I mean we can talk about this right?” he asked, poking at the omelet Ron had made him.

“Talking about my best mate’s lack of intimacy?” Ron stirred his tea. “It’s a little awkward but you have the floor,” he said settling down in the chair next to him.

“I feel like I'm not doing it right... I ...ugh! I walked in on him changing and I just stood there gawking at him. It was beyond obvious.” He messed with his hair.

It was far too early for this. If it weren’t for the tea in his hand he was sure Ron would be half asleep.

“And?”

“Nothing. We watched a movie but the whole time I was just thinking about him.” He pressed his hands over his eyes. “I don’t know why I thought for even a second he would pick up on you know...”

Drumming his fingers over his cup Ron thought. “Maybe he can't. He  _ is _ older than you.”

“By only a few years! You make it sound like he’s a hundred!”

Ron shrugged. “You want me to ask?”

“Ask what? Ask if he can’t or doesn’t want to?”

“Both if that’s what you want.”

“How can you even say that?”

“Your clothes,” Ron said, eyeing up his usual bland outfit. “Maybe slut it up?” 

“What are you talking about?” Clearly his friend did not have the best advice at eight in the morning.

“Oh come on when we were in college you'd wear the most ridiculous clothes; the tight pants and the sheer shirts.”

“Yeah and now I'm a preschool Special Education teacher. I can't go put on my old clubbing outfits anymore than you can.” 

“Fair but a little could go a long way.“

“I can't with you right now. I'm finding Hermione.”

“Hey it could work!”

“‘Mione?” he asked, slipping into their bedroom.

“Harry!” she jutted out with such speed that it had to be painful. He hated that he always put her on edge. Times where she just waved away his sudden appearance had disappeared when he had his first major depressive episode.

“Everything is fine.”

Laying back she lifted up her covers. “Come on,” 

Crawling over the bed he slipped under the still warm covers. It had been so long since he had done this. When things had gone bad he’d laid like this between her and Ron, they were his lifeline amongst everything. 

“Did he say no?” Hermione asked, pulling him into a sideways hug.

If he had remembered to ask Severus to stay for the holidays and if the answer had been no he was sure he would’ve been weeping.

“No.” he lied into her wild hair.

“Came for a visit after all my pestering?”

“Maybe.” He didn’t really want to talk about why he really came here with her especially not when they were like this. He wasn’t sure that her advice would be all that much better than Ron’s anyway.

“You can still come with us to visit the Weasleys.”

“I’ve made up my mind.”

“Always so stubborn” she laughed. “How about a party the night before we leave? It would make me feel better about leaving you behind.”

“I’ll ask Severus.”

“For now,” She pulled him even closer laying her head in the crook of his neck. “It was an early bus ride to get here so rest for a couple of minutes before you run off again.”

“Okay.”

  
  


“No surprises today right?” Harry asked when he returned to his doorstep. Boundless excitement radiated off of him. That could be that his outfit today was more festive, a bright red shirt that had the saying  _ ‘tis the season _ written in the design of ornaments and his loose pants were forest green. 

Making a crossing motion over his heart he smiled. “You have my word.”

“Good because we really do need to get this place in order.”

“What is first?”

“The tree.” 

“You almost look like one,” he teased.

“Don’t like it?”

Bending over Harry’s shirt rode up slightly. “I didn’t say that.” Despite knowing that he looked positively obscene staring at the strip of fabric that poked out from the top of his pants he couldn’t help it. Couldn’t help watching the span of flesh that revealed more and more as Harry moved his arms so that his shirt rose higher and higher. His fingers itched to run over the divot where his spine met his hips. They itched to follow the path lower and lower until he could grip the rounded cheeks so prominently displayed behind those tight jeans.

Swallowing back the urge to moan as his view disappeared he tried to focus on the task at hand.

“There’s more garland should we hang it up over the entrance to the kitchen before we put up the tree?”

“I’m just following your lead.”

“Then hand me a chair.” Harry directed.

“On it.”

Taking to the chair rising on tippy toes he attempted to latch the golden garland onto the hook. Wobbling a bit, hands gently clamped on his hips. An involuntary gasp escaped from him the sensation against him. 

“Thanks,” he said, swearing that he could feel the fingers against him lower a fraction. “Maybe your height would be better for this.”

Hands letting go he jumped from the chair. Severus set about finishing the task of hanging the ends of the garland on his wall. For a moment he wasn’t sure if he should hold onto Severus like he had, but he hardly needed to stand on his toes to reach. Eyes wondering over he focused on the expert way those hands lifted and twisted the garland.

Harry knew he was being well to put it bluntly lusting over the way Severus’s nimble fingers worked along the wall. The phantom touch of those same fingers against his hips hadn’t faded just yet. It was a horrible thing to be so fixated on especially now. He loved Severus and was sure that the man loved him as well but during their time together the man had never touched him beyond kissing. If they made it past Christmas together it would’ve made their relationship a whole year. There was a strange pride in not giving in to his desires at any minute of the day that they spent together, but there was also disappointment that they hadn’t gone further. He knew it was because they both were being careful. Their respected situations always influenced things whether they wanted it or not. Like when the first time he was sure they were going to have sex Severus had a mild anxiety attack on the way back from his school. Somewhere deep down they both knew that it could happen again. Maybe next time it would be his turn to break down. Times like this he hated his mind for begging him to be intimate with Severus one second and then the next to retreat from his touch. 

“Harry?” Severus asked softly.

“Sorry I was thinking.”

Strong hands gently pulled his hands away from the hook of the ornament that had been digging into his skin without noticing. “About what?”

“Nothing. We should put up the tree.” 

“You don’t have to force yourself,” Severus whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.

Deeply he wanted to yank the man closer and lay against the couch until they had no other choice than to connect their lips over and over. And allow those nimble fingers to caress him in any way he pleased. Even if he had taken Ron’s advice to dress more provocatively he didn’t think they would end up in bed together just yet.

Licking his lips he chanced to squeeze Severus’ hand. “I’m fine. Do you need a break?”

“No” he answered truthfully. He needed to be truthful with Harry or else he would never know where they stood on a given day. Harry was good at hiding his discomfort but it always showed through in times that he spoke truthfully, as if guilt for lying couldn’t help escape in those emerald green eyes. 

“If you are concerned that you are taking over my apartment with decor don’t be. I think what we’ve accomplished so far is wonderful.”

Harry flashed him a small smile. “Wait until it’s all done.”

Pulling the fake tree from the box was perhaps the easiest part of the process. The tree had numbers attached to the pieces but other than that contained no directions. 

“Have you never done this before?”

“Never” he admitted feeling extremely stupid for not knowing what the small bag of hooked screws were for.

“Same” Harry chuckled.

“I thought you were the holiday expert.”

“I never claimed I was.” Harry smiled, pulling out the stand that didn’t want to cooperate with Harry's attempts to set up. “I always celebrated with Ron's family and they would have all their decorations set up.” 

“Are you not going this year?” he asked, handing over the bag of screws.

“I don’t know. They live far away. We would have to take a plane to visit every year.”

Picking up the end of the tree they settled it into the stand. “What makes this year any different?”

Silent guilty eyes flickered to him. 

He was the difference. He had been making progress with his agoraphobia but the idea of him leaving his home to get on a plane already made his palms sweat. For Harry he would try he could get on a bus but a plane. Trapped in the sky in a cramped metal machine for who knew how long. Then he would be in a home in a place he had never seen before. Surrounded by unfamiliar places. No escape to safety. No way to leave or -

Stepping away he tried to calm his shallow breathing. 

“Sorry,” Harry whispered. 

“No.” He took a deep breath. “I need a moment.” Abandoning the tree he sat on the couch grounding himself in its comfortable texture under his palms. Harry wasn’t going to drag him off. They both knew better than to force these things. That was why Harry was doing this. He was making up for missing out on what he assumed was a long-standing tradition.

A hand squeezed his. 

Fuzzily he could feel the pressure of his touch. He was more than grateful that he hadn’t completely dissociated or ran to his room. “Forgive me for bringing the mood down.”

“It’s my-”

“Not your fault for answering my question.” Sensation in his feet seemed to return with pins and needles. “If you wish to leave for the holidays I am capable of surviving a few days without you.”

“But-”

“I’m not a houseplant that needs constant attention, Harry” he smiled. “I have lived on my own for years before we met.”

“I know I just don’t like the idea of you being alone on Christmas.”

“We shall talk about this later? I think our tree requires attention.”

With a few knicks from the artificial pine needles, Harry stood back admiring their tree “does it look like it’s leaning to you?”

Severus framed the tree between his hands. “A little.” he chuckled,

“Our luck we would buy the one tree with a defect.”

“Who's to say that’s what makes it all the more wonderful?”

Smiling, he pulled out the cases of lights. 

“I don't know if I'm doing this correctly,” Severus said a few minutes later as they needled the string of lights over and under the thistles. 

“I'm sure you are.” He wasn’t sure if there was a wrong way to put up lights of course, unless it caused a fire, but he wasn’t about to voice that out loud.

Reaching over he handed the strand of lights.“Why don't you sound so confident?” 

“Well this is my first time actually putting lights on a tree.”

“So you have never put up a tree or put on lights; should we consult someone with experience?”

Harry scoffed. “Well, I'm my defense when I visit the Weasley’s the decorating is all done.”

“Then we'll just have to stumble through it together.”

Under and over they continued his work.

His neck ached as he tried to put up the last portion of lights. 

“There!” he exclaimed as he tucked the end into the branches. 

“Now for the best part.” Snatching the plug he looked to Severus turning off the lights.

“Ready? 3...2...1.”

The darkness was illuminated by colored lights that twinkle like tiny multicolored stars. For a moment he just stood besides Harry entranced. It all felt surreal like a fuzzy dream that a younger version of himself would’ve had. And he knew that it wasn’t solely the neon glow that made him smile; it was doing this with Harry. Doing all this... there were hardly enough words in the English language to describe what he felt, what he thought of standing here with the lights framing Harry’s face so that it stuck out in the darkness. And the way the lights caught in emerald eyes making them seem so full and inhumanly bright. 

“What do you think?”

“Beautiful.”

“Just wait until we put up the ornaments!”

Even in the light their tree wasn’t looking half bad. In no time at all it was already a third done with red and bright green bulbs alternating throughout. He smiled at the way Severus used his hand to measure the length between them. 

“You're doing a great job. I wouldn't have guessed you weren't a professional tree decorator.” 

Severus shook his head. “It's a simple pattern.” 

“Perfectly spaced,'' he said handing over another red bulb. 

“It would bother me if it wasn't,” Severus said.

“Nothing wrong with wanting a balanced tree but make sure we add in the ones from my kids. And I call putting the star on the top.”

“Are you sure you can reach it?” Severus teased his fingers lingering in their touch as he grabbed the next ornament.

“If I can’t you’ll just have to lift me.” 

“You say that as if it were a challenge.”

“I don’t know if you noticed but,” he gently smacked his stomach. “I’ve already started to gain the holiday weight.”

Tossing his head back Severus laughed deep. “I don’t think so.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. You don’t see me huddled over my tub of peppermint ice cream back at my place.”

“Is that a holiday tradition?”

“Not sure, started it last week.”

With the last ornament in position Severus snaked his hands around him. 

“Well after I lift you without any issue perhaps I can order some peppermint ice cream.”

There was hardly time to think much less respond as he felt his grip tighten and the floor was removed from beneath his feet. Suddenly all he could think about was Severus using his strength to throw him against a mattress. 

Shaking the lovely mental image away he managed enough brainpower to place the star in position before Severus got tired of lifting him.

“See not a problem.”

“Could I ask you a favor?”

“What is it?”

“ Would you... Would it be alright if we invited Hermione and Ron over? Not tonight, but tomorrow? It could be a simple dinner.” 

“It would be a waste to keep this all to ourselves. Throwing parties with friends are a staple of the holiday spirit isn’t it?”


	6. Parties Are A Must

Clacking on his keyboard he tried not to think too hard about the state of his home. It had to pale in comparison to the lavish holiday parties of the movies and he had a sneaking suspicion that the Weasley family home looked more like those fake parties then he could even think of getting his house to look like. He wished that Albus would pay him a visit if only to provide a momentary distraction. Already he had prepped for the evening’s meal, checked the lights on the tree, and fought to adjust the garland on his walls. It all looked great thanks to Harry. All he had to do was relax or so that’s what Harry told him last night. Relaxing wasn’t exactly his forte. 

“You’re worrying” Hermione pointed out on the car ride over. 

He hardly needed her to tell him that. If it weren’t for the gift in his backpack he would be crushing it more than he already was. 

“This isn’t the first time we are meeting him.”

“And it’s not like we hate the guy” Ron added, catching him in the reflection.

“It’s his first Christmas party.”

Turning around from the passenger seat Hermione gave him a look that screamed he was overthinking things.

Of course he was. When didn’t he overthink things? The last dinner they all had together was hardly perfect. _ “You almost ruined everything. You might do it again”  _ the negative voice in his head spoke up.

“Our usual party games are all ready. It’s going to be just like Molly’s party.”

“I hope so.”

Sprinting to the door at the first knock he had to reign in his nervous energy. “Act normal” he reminded himself. 

“You wore it” Harry’s bright smile captured his attention. 

Running his hand over the tacky sweater that had been today’s mandatory dress he nodded.

Snickering Mr. Weasley was playfully hit by his fiance. 

His sweater was ridiculous. It had a crochet cat dressed up as a Christmas tree and the words  _ Have a Happy Meow-liday!  _ Written in gold. Harry’s own sweater was a set of fish with little hats dancing around. Ms. Granger and Mr. Weasley’s sweaters appeared to be more homemade with various knickknacks hot glued on. 

“You all look wonderful.”

“So does your apartment!” Ms. Granger complimented. 

“Come next year I’m sure he will outdo mum in decorations.”

“I don’t think I could ever outdo her.”

The three laughed but he couldn’t in good conscience pretend he was in on the joke. 

“I hope you don’t mind that I’m going to set up a few things,” Ms. Granger said, laying down a few bags.

“A few things?”

“What’s a party without some games?” Harry said in a way that held a hint of an apology.

Before he could say anything Ms. Granger handed out pencils and a survey that looked more like an exam.

“I want every question filled out,'' she said before starting to scribble on her own paper.

“You do this every year?” he whispered to Harry.

“Yup. It’s the best way to get an idea of what someone might like, plus it’s important for the first game.”

“Favorite time of day?” he asked, pointing to the question.

Harry shrugged.

Some of these questions were things he hadn’t quite thought about in a while. He didn’t have a favorite movie or knew what his favorite scent was. The more he filled out the more he realized there was very little he knew about himself. Most of his answers were book-oriented. And the ones asking his favorite restaurant or store stared at him. It would be easy to lie but the way Harry not so conspicuously looked over his answers made him think otherwise. 

_ “So what do I put down?”  _

Mr. Weasley and Hermione seemed to be practically done. Mr. Weasley did look like he was taking an exam the way he was holding onto his head. Between glancing at him like a cheating student Harry was doodling in the corners.

“That’s time!” Hermione announced holding open a Santa hat. Folding up his paper he tossed it in hoping that this game would go alright. It was going to be the hardest one of the party which is why they had to do it first.

Looking over at Severus he gave him a reassuring smile.

“Okay everyone, a refresher on the rules for our new guest,” Hermione said, shaking up the hat. “Everyone picks a name. You are only allowed to spend ten dollars on a gift. There is no time limit but this year we are sticking to only the thrift store.”

“We usually have the whole mall but this would be much better” he whispered to Severus.

“Now don't show anyone who you picked we are going to break off once we get there.” Around in a circle Hermione passed out the folded pieces of paper.

“Somebody needs to be with Severus,” Harry said once they arrived.

“I'll do it mate,” Mr Weasley said given the not-so-subtle wink.

He imagined that this game would be more enjoyable with more people as already he could eliminate Mr. Weasley as a possible secret Santa.

“That will be okay right?” Harry whispered.

“Yes.” He had to prove that he could get by without him if needed. 

There were a few things in life that were easier in his head than in reality. Walking into the thrift store without Harry was one of those things. Both Harry and Ms. Granger was far ahead of them by the time he made it past the front door. He had to focus on the familiar in this place, the rows of shoes, the wedding dresses against the wall. 

“...so little blue pill?” 

“Excuse me?” he asked, taking a step back. 

“I was wondering your thoughts on the little blue pill. You do work in pharmaceuticals.”

“Well if you are in need of such things you should follow the prescribed amount.” 

Instantly Mr. Werasley’s face turned Scarlett. “I..I” Mr. Weasley looked around catching a teen giggling in their direction.

“You should not bring up such conversations in public if you are not willing to deal with eavesdroppers.”

“Fair point” Mr. Weasley laughed. “So you and Harry,”

“I don't like this turn of questioning especially in front of that,” he motioned to the moving robotic choir of children. “You may be Harry's friend but I am under no obligation to discuss our affairs any more than I may inquire about you and Ms. Granger. I would very much like to leave this conversation.”

“Sorry.” 

Impatiently he looked at the secret Santa list. Harry's handwriting was frankly atrocious all squashed together to fit in the lines. The few things he could make out were titles of movies and different chocolates. Figuring that buying confectionary second-hand was not something one should do he went to the shelve of DVDs. With ten dollars worth he could purchase up to nearly forty, not that Harry needed any more. The actual gift that currently laid under his tree hopefully was just as good as a handful of discs. 

"Of course you got Harry."

“Are you able to understand his writing?”

“Hardly” Mr. Weasley laughed. “If there aren't large lines he's basically illegible.”

“Perhaps I should give him writing lessons.”

“Maybe.” He attempted to make out more of the horrible string of letters. “I apologize for changing up your plans.”

“If you're talking about his game it's not a big deal. When we do it in the mall it takes us half an hour to just find everyone. You are doing me a favor of not waiting around.”

“I meant your plans involving your parents' home. Harry mentioned that you two would be going soon.”

“Oh that. I'm a little bummed that Harry won't be with us, but he really wants to spend the time with you. Hermione would pack him in a suitcase if she could,” he winced at his choice of words. “She would bring him along but this is good isn't it. Ever since we met it has always been the three of us and even though I don't look it I worry about him.” Mr. Weasley started to pick at his nails but soon realizing what he was doing stopped. “I once thought about ending things with Hermione because he refused to continue living with us. He threatened to punch me there and then. ... I’d do anything for him.”

“Is that why you put up with a shut-in like me dating your friend?”

“What? No! I think you’re good for each other in more ways than one. Just.. sometimes Harry is afraid to ask for certain things he wants.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure, I am here in a cat sweater because he asked.”

“You got me there,” Mr. Weasley smirked.

“What do you think they’re talking about?'' he asked hiding behind a tall shelf. 

“Presents which you should be focusing on” Hermione said pulling him back.

“I can't.”

“Ron isn't going to leave him.” 

“I know,”

“Then off you go.” She turned him around pushing him in the direction of the household appliances. “I don’t want to see you spying on them again.”

“Fine.” Admitting defeat he pulled out his paper.

Mercifully time had gone quickly and before anything could go wrong they were back at Severus’ apartment. Secret Santa gifts tucked in a corner and Ron chatting with Severus in the kitchen he was actually starting to feel that tonight would go well.

“Alright everyone in the living room!” Hermione announced.

The way Ron winked as Severus sat next to him made the butterflies in his stomach act up. He should’ve been more concerned about what that wink meant but if Severus wasn’t kicking out his friends yet then it couldn’t be bad. 

“One thing that we can always use more of is a bit of money so you all will get some, but first you must earn it by raising your hand if these things apply to you.”

“Money?” He questioned knowing that a teacher salary hardly could afford passing out money for a game.

Harry shrugged. “This is a new game.”

“$10 if you have purple on your sweater.”

Looking down he found a hint of purple on his own. Cautiously he raised his hand. 

“Awesome!” Ms. Granger said, handing over his money. Before he could reject the money he realized that it was fake money with a cartoon Santa.

“ $20 if you have graduated from high school.” 

All three of them received $20. 

“Yes! In the game “ Mr. Weasley not so quietly muttered to himself.

$50 if you have a picture of something holiday-themed as your phone wallpaper.

Quick as lightning Mr. Weasley showcased his phone that had an image of him and Ms. Granger next to a row of presents. Harry also showed off his wallpaper of Kermit the frog from a Muppett’s Christmas Carol.

“You better catch up.” Harry teased taking his money.

“$10 if you haven't brushed your hair today.”

Both Harry and Mr. Weasley excelled at this game amassing a small pile of Santa dollars.

“$30 if you think you are sexy.”

Chuckling to himself Harry nudged his arm. “Come on,”

“I hardly think I’m sexy.”

“Sure” Harry lifted his arm by his elbow.

“$10 is you can braid your hair an extra $10 if you do so right now”

Frantically Mr. Weasley tried to braid his short hair. Harry managed to get a single braid that stood upon his head like a cowlick. Braiding his own hair he thought about his mother, the way her shaky hands would twist the strands of his long hair until she calmed down.

Laying down his winning onto his neatly divided piles of fake money he excused himself for a brief moment.

“Do you think he’s alright?” Harry asked when Severus disappeared upstairs.

Ron pulled his hands apart. “Let's grab some snacks.”

“But-”

Not taking no for an answer Ron led him back into the kitchen. With the way he kept putting items onto his plate it would’ve seemed like Ron was trying to fatten him up. 

“Things are going great.”

Popping a piece of cake into his mouth he continued to eye the bottom of the stairs.

A knock at the front door stopped him from making a complete fool of himself. Severus didn’t need him running after him every second he disappeared. 

Pulling open the front door he felt grateful to see who was on the other side. “Albus.”

“Sorry for being late, I was looking for my best sweater.” With a flick of a button lights illuminated not only Albus’s sweater but parts of his long beard. 

Laughing he opened the door a bit more. “Come in, we are in the middle of a game.”

“Hello,” Albus greeted with a smile.

“This is Albus.”

“I’m Severus’s friend.” 

“This is Hermione and Ron.”

“It’s very nice to meet you both. It’s good to see Severus surrounded by good friends well, it would be if he were here.”

“He’s-”

“Wondering why you’re here,” Severus said from the bottom of his stairs.

There was no hesitation as the older man rushed to pull Severus into a hug. “My boy thank you for the invite.” Over his shoulder Severus mouthed ‘help me’. “And this apartment is looking even more festive than I thought possible.”

“You should thank Harry.”

Arm still draped around him Albus pulled Severus back into the living room. “What game are we playing?”

“Well they just earned a handful of Santa dollars.” Hermione handed some over to Albus. “Now with all your hard-earned cash we will start the auction.” She motioned to a pile of gifts numbered on a table. “Some of these fabulous prizes range from actual cash to everyday items.” 

Picking up a medium box Ms. Granger modeled with it. “Number one this prize is your best friend for the best time of the day.”

Wiggling out from Albus’s grasp he moved closer to Harry.

“The bidding starts at $5.”

“$5!” Mr. Weasley’s hand shot up.

“$5! Do I hear $10?”

“$10!” Albus called.

“$20!” Harry followed after.

Albus raised his hand.“$25!”

“$25 going once, going twice...sold!” Ms. Granger banged a small mallet against the table before exchanging the fake cash for the prize.

“Open it.” Mr. Weasley encouraged.

“A mug!” Albus chuckled admiring the design of sleepy puppies. 

“Item number two,” This time the box was significantly larger. “This item will help you hear those sleigh bells ring.”

“It has to be headphones,” Harry muttered.

“$30!” Mr. Weasley offered.

“$50!”

Leaning forward Mr. Weasley glared at his friend. “$100!”

“$110!” Harry nudged his arm. “You can bid too.”

He understood but even with fake money he felt the need to hold off until he understood the full set of rules, to figure out the pattern in all of this.

“$120!”

“120 going once, going twice... sold to Ron.”

Harry’s slight pout morphed into a smile as Mr. Weasley tore into the large box only to receive a handful of cotton swabs.

“Item three will keep your head safe.”

“$100!” Albus offered waving his cash.

After the last item he wasn’t sure if that was exactly the brightest move, Neither Harry nor Mr. Weasley challenged the bid.

Opening the gift Albus smiled as if he won a million dollars. “A shower cap!” 

Scoffing he shook his head.

“Item four is exactly like cash.”

Bid after bid shot up. Numbers mixing to the point he wasn’t sure if it were Harry or Albus who had offered $200 fake dollars.

“Going once, going twice sold to Harry for $200.”

“A gift card for coffee” Harry stuck his tongue out. “You can’t keep hoarding your money all game.”

“There are five more items who’s to say the best aren’t the last ones?”

Harry looked down at his remaining $50. 

“Item five is a free date night.”

“$50!” Harry offered.

“Sorry mate $60!”

“$70!” Albus countered.

“Sold to Albus!”

Taking hold of Harry’s hand he gave it a squeeze. “We don’t need whatever it is.”

“Two movie tickets!”

“You were right about the later gifts being better.”

“Item six Hershey me.”

That had to be about chocolates. “$20!”

“I see Severus has jumped in” Ms. Granger nodded approvingly.

“$30!” Mr. Weasley offered.

There was no way he was going to lose a box of chocolates that he could gift Harry. “$60!”

“Looks like he really wants this item” Ms. Granger teased.

“He’s not getting it without a fight! $70!”

“You’re nearly out of money Mr. Weasley. $100!”

“Going once, twice... sold!”

“You did it” Harry laughed. “Open it!”

Tearing through the package his hands paused at what laid beneath. 

“What is it?” Harry asked leaning over.

Slowly he lifted it out of the box. “Mistletoe.”

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” The room started chanting.

Giving in to their elementary peer pressure he captured Harry’s lips. Hand cupping his face Harry leaned into the kiss with eagerness far too much to be deemed appropriate for a friend party. Even so, he couldn’t pull apart even as the others started to clap.

Shyly Harry broke the kiss scooting a little away as if the minimal space would stop him from continuing their actions.

“Item seven will help us all cool down.”

“$5” he casually bid, hardly carrying what it could be.

“$50” Harry offered.

“Sold.”

As expected it was a mini squirt bottle. Promptly Harry shot Mr. Weasley with a spray of water. 

“Three more items” Ms. Granger laughed. “Item eight, play that funky music.”

“I shouldn’t have wasted my money.”

“$30!”

“I’m sorry my boy. $40!”

Taking a quick count of the remainder of Albus’s money he made the winning bid. “$70!”

“Sold!”

Curiously he looked at the cd. “Now That’s What I Call Music?”

Chuckling Harry flipped it over reading the mix of songs. 

“Item nine is an easy meal.”

Noting that he had quite a lot of money left he decided to bid half earning him a can of sardines. The final item had to be the best out of them all. Without a hint they were biding blindly. In the last second he let Mr. Weasley have the gift. It had been an excellent move as the last item had turned out to be a single tennis shoe.

“I must be going,” Albus said, collecting his wins. 

“You should take some food with you.” Ms. Granger offered.

“No thank you.”

“I’ll walk you out,” he offered.

Smiling Albus led the way. “You are very lucky my boy.”

“I am.” He grinned. “Thank you for coming.”

Pulling him into a hug he let Albus hug him for as long as the man saw fit. 

“I will see you after the holidays,” Albus said.

“I’ll look forward to having tea then.”

Waving until Albus disappeared into the evening he felt the need to take in a breath. Last year when Albus had left to be with his family he’d felt so jealous that it hurt. Swallowing that sense of missing something in his life had always been a hard thing to do. But he had grown used to it. He’d been so used to repressing so many things that standing here knowing that this year was different was almost unsettling. Returning inside there was laughter and someone had turned on some Christmas music. It was all so different then the silence he had sat in for so long. And it amazed him how it didn’t feel forced.

“Time for our secret Santa exchange!” Ron announced the second Severus returned. 

Nervously he held onto his gift. The night was going so well, maybe too well. As best he could he tried not to think of ways it would turn sour. 

“As the guest of honor Severus you may go first.” Ron banged along the floor creating a drumroll as Severus pulled out his gift of two thick books.

“War and Peace and Crime and Punishment?” Severus asked with a raised brow. “Whoever is my secret Santa must be trying to send me a message.”

Barely holding back a laugh he watched Severus’s brow raise even higher.

“Are you my secret Santa Harry?”

“Nope” he smirked.

“Then it must be Ms. Granger.”

“Wrong.”

Turning to Ron Severus looked at him in amazement. “It can’t be you.”

“I have the paper to prove it.”

“How? I was with you?”

“Ron is great at distractions” he smiled remembering his use of skills back in college to steal alcohol.

“I am impressed. But why these books?”

Ron halfheartedly shrugged. “I was forced to read them in school.”

“Your turn Ron” Hermione encouraged.

Ripping his gift open without an ounce of control he triumphantly lifted up a set of oven mitts. “Now this is a hard one.” He teased. “Who could- Hermione!”

“I’ve been telling him for weeks to get a new one.”

“Why would I get one when I knew you would,” Ron leaned forward. “Thank you.” He planted a kiss on Hermione’s cheek.

“My turn.” Smiling, she looked directly at him. “This has you written all over it Harry,” she said holding up the ceramic gingerbread house.

“You like it?”

“Of course it’s perfect for my collection.”

“You collect gingerbread houses.”

“Gingerbreads in general.”

“It’s my turn” Now that he knew it was from Severus he felt all that more nervous.

“I hope you like it.”

Pulling open the bag he pulled out an ornament. 

“That wasn’t what you bought!” Ron accused.

“It is. You are not the only one who has skills. I took pieces of the ornaments that I purchased and created this.”

“You made this?” He marveled at the perfect calligraphy of  _ Our First Christmas _ written along several DVDs that they had seen together. Attached were a couple of photos of them. In a word it was perfect.

“Thank you,” he said, holding back tears. “This needs to go up immediately.” Front and center the ornament hung. It felt so right amongst the silly googly-eyed reindeers his students made.

“Who’s up for another game?”Ron asked.

As it grew later and the amount of sweets dwindled Severus could tell that there was something on Harry’s mind. 

“Is that the time already?” Ms. Granger exclaimed looking at the digital clock of her phone. “We should get going. Thank you for letting us take over your apartment.”

“It was quite enjoyable.”

Allowing the three to hug in privacy he started the minimal cleanup. 

“Want some help with that?” Harry asked.

“This is hardly laborious,” he said, closing the vegetable plate that had barely been touched throughout the night. “You shouldn’t keep your friends waiting.”

“Well, I” Harry bit his bottom lip. “I might’ve told them that I was sleeping over. I know I should’ve asked.” 

Recalling his conversation with Mr. Weasley he couldn’t say no. The last bus had to be long gone by now.

“Is that a bad idea?” Harry asked, his guilty eyes studying his face.

“Not at all.”

With a tense smile Harry started to help pack up the leftovers beside him. “I can go if,”

Pressing a hand onto Harry’s cheek he smiled. “I would like to be perfectly clear that I am honored that you feel comfortable enough to want to spend the night here.”

Harry leaned into his touch. “Of course I am.” 

When he was allowed to sleepover this wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. Even with being shorter than Severus he had to curl up to fit semi comfortably on the loveseat. He should’ve known that Severus wasn’t going to leave the leftovers to the side and carry him off to his bed the second that he agreed to let him stay. Even so he had hoped that he could’ve at least gotten the option to lay beside him. As soon as they were done cleaning Severus had brought down a pillow and a blanket for him.

Sighing, he continued to stare at the ceiling. The inches of thick drywall was all that was separating them but he couldn’t get the nerve up to march up and demand to kiss until the sun came up.

Turning he brought the blanket up to his face, it smelled like Severus.

_ “He doesn’t like you”  _ the negative thoughts popped up in the dark.  _ “He’ll never touch you the way you want.”  _ Pressing the pillow to his ears he tried to block out the words without any luck. “ _ Useless unlovable thing. Alone.” _

Rolling out of the loveseat he grabbed the remote. If tonight was going to be a sleepless night he wasn’t going to listen to the things in his head. Careful to set the tv to mute he popped in his first movie. 

Sleep eluded him. Whether it was because he knew Harry was in his home or that he was disappointed in himself for not having the man beside him right now was anyone’s guest. It could’ve been something entirely different. That was why he found himself at her door. She would’ve loved to have been a part of the party. He could help think of her weak smile as he entered the room. Her ghost always appeared to him when his life shifted out of his mundane routine. In his heart he knew that was one reason he had kept people at a distance for so long. It hurt to think of her even after all these years. It hurt to imagine her tucked in the corner cheering him on to win their silly card game or hear her light voice comment on the wonderful food they had. Worse was the look he caught, a look that said he deserved these things in his life. Accepting the good had always been so much harder for him than her. His mother had held to straws of good to survive. 

_ “Do not reject hope Severus,”  _ her words echoed in the empty room. 

The faintest  _ thud _ pulled his attention downstairs. “Goodnight mother” he whispered, shutting her room. Descending the stairs he saw the flow of the tv.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Severus!” Harry yelped. “You scared me? Was I too loud?”

“No. My mind seems to be too occupied to sleep.” Easing besides Harry their hands intertwined. 

“You haven’t missed too much of the movie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a few more days until Christmas? I have no idea where the time has gone this year.   
> Thank you for reading.


	7. Gingerbread

Waking up in the entanglement of limbs was certainly a first for Severus. The way Harry clung to him assured that he wouldn’t escape. Although the position appeared uncomfortable a smile clung to Harry’s face that was pressed against his shoulder. Managing to free his arm just enough to move his hand he brushed back the cascade of curls. 

“Mmm,” Harry groaned, his grip not slacking in the slightest.

“How long do you expect to sleep?” he teased.

“Forever if you keep doing that.”

“Then should I stop?”

“No.”Harry pressed impossibly closer.

Remaining in this position would be the end of him. The slight movements as Severus shifted beneath him activated thoughts that would make themselves known if he didn’t break apart.

“What time is it?”

“1:30.”

“You’re joking!” he said, loosening his grip. 

Chuckling Severus continued to run his fingers through his hair. “If I was able to move I would’ve woke us up sooner.”

“I’m so sorry,” he scurried off. “Tomorrow you have to wake me up early.”

“Tomorrow? “

“If it’s alright to stay another night.”

“Perhaps I should clear out a drawer in my room for your clothes if this is to be a common occurrence.”

Pressing a kiss onto Severus’s cheek he tried not to linger or else risk never leaving the living room.

“Let’s get ready. Today we’re going to make gingerbread cookies.”

Excitement filled him as they followed the simple instructions of the dough. Severus seemed to enjoy helping measure everything so precisely and shaping the dough into perfect little people. “These are going to be the best cookies in the world,” he said as he slid the tray into the hot oven. Triple checking that he had the right time set they moved back into the living room.

“The days have flown by so fast,” Severus commented.

It really did feel so fast. For a moment he wished that it could slow down a little. He didn’t want the holidays to be finished. It always made him sad to take down the decorations at the end.

“Hopefully next year we can do this all again.”

The sound of the timer going off pulled him back into the kitchen. Excitedly he turned off the timer and yanked the oven doors open. Smoked billowed out hitting him hard with the scent of burning gingerbread.

“Damit” he coughed, wafting the smoke away.

“Are you alright?” Severus said, rushing into the room to open up a window. 

_ “You failed” _ the voice in his head spoke up.  _ “You are completely useless.”  _

“Harry.” Hands pulled him back away from the open oven. Horrified he watched the tray reemerge. All of the gingerbread people had fused into one large block that had started to blacken around the edges.

“I couldn't even do this right,'' he muttered pressing his nails into his palms. 

“Hey,” Severus took his hands running a soothing thumb against them. 

Tears pricked in his eyes. It was unfair he couldn't help thinking that this wasn't the place or the right time to start breaking down. It was just cookies. Just a silly thing but looking at the burnt edges made him want to cry as if he'd lost a pet. "Sorry” he muttered.

"What do you tell your students when they make a mistake?”

A single laugh came from him as he wiped his eyes against his shoulders. “That it’s okay and try again. But we used up all the dough.”

“Then we'll just have to fix it another way.” Following his pull they inspected his failure. 

“I’m s-”

Severus squeezed his hand.

If he had made it just for himself he wouldn't be like this. Many times he'd burnt food and just tossed it out. It would be his luck that he would mess up this badly today of all days.

“It's hardly charcoal I think it could be salvaged.” Severus painstakingly started breaking up the cookie brick. Taking a piece he tried, his face looking as neutral as ever.“Try it.” 

It was a little on the harder side. Not the best but not horribly atrocious.

Shaking his head he walked away from the burnt disaster. Just because something was barely edible didn’t make it worth saving. 

“A bit of frosting could easily straighten this out” Severus tried to persuade.

“I don't even like gingerbread cookies” he admitted to the sink.

“Then maybe it's not about the cookies.”

“You’ve been reading your therapy books haven't you?”

“A little.” 

A sad chuckle escaped Harry. It was worrisome how quick the mood had switched. But this had to be more than just crisped baked goods. 

“I’m sorry for being stupid,” Harry muttered, his back still turned to him.

“You’re not being stupid,” he said wrapping his arms around him. 

Beneath his arms he could feel Harry shaking. “Is Christmas a hard time?” 

“I didn’t think it was.” He could hear the beginning of a lump in Harry’s throat. “My cousin got all the best things and if I was lucky I would get a new pair of socks. It was one of the few days that my uncle and aunt never cared what I did. They were all over Dudley cheering him on to rip open presents then trying to calm him when he had a fit over not getting what he wanted. But I didn’t really care about that, I mean it was just presents... Was it hard for you growing up?”

“It really was just another day,” he said, rocking them a little. “Another day seeing my father passed out drunk or dodging flying bottles. This is by far the best Christmas even with burnt cookies.”

“Glad I beat such a low bar” Scoffing Harry pecked a kiss onto his arm. 

Although he knew he didn’t want to bring up anything else he had to ask a question that had yet to be answered. “When are your friends leaving?”

“They left last night. It was the latest that they could wait.”

“Harry,” he sighed letting go of him. “You can't keep making decisions on your own and not tell me about them. I told you that I would be fine alone. Do you not believe me? Do you think I'm so incapable of taking care of myself?”

“I... no.” Fearful emerald eyes stared at him.

Taking a breath he clung onto the rim of his sink. “Forgive me, that was a bit harsh.”

  
  
  


“I'm sorry that you’re trapped here with me.”

“I never feel trapped.” 

“But you are. You could’ve been with your friends enjoying the holidays, exchanging gifts, having fun.” 

“Do you think that I’m not enjoying my time with you?”

It was hard to tell. Everything between them felt so tentative, but he knew those feelings came from his own insecurities.

“Evidence proves that you are for the most part enjoying my company.”

“That’s one way to say it” Harry chuckled, moving to stand in between his arms again. “Sometimes I just wish that people didn’t have to deal with horrible things or have moments stolen by mental issues. For one day I would love it not to have to fight himself over little things like burnt cookies. Or not tell you what I want because I’m so worried that you will hate me for asking.”

“I'm positive the holidays invoke anxiety and depressions just out of spite.”

“I think you are right.”

“Should we forget about the cookies entirely and settle for popcorn and a movie?”

“How about we read The Night Before Christmas instead, you must be dying to read.”

“That sounds like a great idea.”


	8. Photograph

“Do you trust me to take you somewhere? I promise it’s something that cannot be done here...and it’s kind of important.”

“Important?” he asked.

“Extremely important!” He smiled. “Colossally important!” Harry said, widening his arms to show off how huge this important task was. “The balance of a complete Christmas experience rides on this.” 

“If that is the case then yes.”

“It’s a ten-minute walk from here. And I’ve arranged for our time slot for a whole hour so there is hardly any rush to get there. And I’ve got you this,” Excitedly Harry placed something into his hand.

In the palm of his hand sat a key chain in the shape of a large lilypad. Inspecting it closer he realized there was a slit on the top and something round and green inside but as he tried to open it Harry shook his head.

“You’re supposed to squeeze it.”

Doing so the head of a frog, no bigger than his thumb, popped out before returning inside. Pressing it again another frog popped up this one sticking his tongue out. 

“It’s a fidget toy. It’s supposed to help out with anxiety. You mentioned that you liked frogs once.”

He did. Back when he was eight he spent hours in the shallow pond near his house catching frogs.“This is very thoughtful of you.”

“I got one for myself too just so that you wouldn’t be the only one.” Harry showed off his own keychain, his being a blanket with little pigs popping out. 

One hand holding Severus’s and the other pressing against his keychain he was glad that today seemed to be a good day. They had made it past the gates of the apartment complex and had only slowed down a little as they came across the small group of shops around the corner. The smell of the Hispanic bakery made his mouth watered but he continued forward. On the way back if Severus still felt up for a stop they could grab something to eat on the way back.

Stopping at the Asian market at the end of the small strip of sidewalk he eyed the crosswalk ahead. They had never ventured past here. Pressing the button he waited for the change to be too much for Severus, waited for the way his feet sunk into the ground and hand gripped painfully in his, but as the light changed and the robotic voice told them to walk he didn’t feel as much resistance as he expected.

Pressing up closer to him they walked the short distance to cross the street. Deep exhales worried him but Severus nodded. 

“Look, they decorated the post office” he pointed out to the large ribbon draped over the roof and the lights wrapped around the bushes that framed the building. “It’s not too far from here. Past four more buildings then we will be there. When we get there it’s going to be a big place, but no one will be there besides us and two other people.”

He wanted to ask how Harry could be so sure about that, but he knew Harry wouldn’t lie to him about this. Squeezing the lilypad keychain he let his feet be guided by Harry. 

With a jingle of a bell above the door they entered the building. Taking another breath he rose his head from the keychain. Stunned would put what he was feeling lightly. Somehow he had been led into Santa’s workshop or at least that was what the large sign that hung above said. Candy canes as large as he was framed the red-carpeted line. Fake trees decked out in colorful lights and fluff that tried to act as snow covered the other surrounding areas. Up ahead he could see that there really were only two other people in the building. One was dressed up in a green and red striped outfit and pointed ears standing with a practiced smile next to a very expensive looking camera. And sitting in the ornate gold-leafed thrown was none other than Santa. 

“Step right up” the man jiggled as he gave a ho ho ho just like all the Santa’s did in the Christmas movies they’d watched. 

“How?”

“You know being a preschool teacher I have quite the connections.” Linking their arms Harry pulled him forward. “It’s a little late but this way there are no lines.”

“Come tell me what you want for Christmas,” Santa said patting on his knee. 

This was beyond ridiculous. The elf who on closer inspection was definitely just a bored actress was holding back a snicker. She had every right to laugh at this he was years past their usual demographic. 

“I’ll show you how it’s done,” Harry said sitting on Santa’s lap without shame. Cupping his hand he whispered something into the man’s ear. 

“Ho. ho. Ho. That is a wonderful wish.”

All of this was hard to understand. How could Harry be so comfortable around strangers in a strange place went beyond comprehension. He pressed the lilypad a little harder.

Jumping off Harry held out his hand. “Santa doesn’t judge,” he whispered.

True belief, there was no other way he could describe the way Harry's eyes sparkled. If Harry believed in the miracle of Santa then he had to give it a shot. There was no other chance for him to hold a one on one audience with the man. And hadn’t he wanted a chance to ask for a miracle before? At one point in time he wanted to believe.

His pace felt slow but he had made it to the jolly man and without giving it too much thought he sat down. Glancing at Harry he motioned for him to smile; he settled for a blank expression.

“So what would you want for Christmas?”

If he were here as a child he would’ve asked for the same thing a million different ways; to be out of his childhood home, to be away from his father, for his mother to be happy, to be safe… Being here as an adult free from those things but not unscathed what could he ask for? Another book? Another trinket like his lilypad keychain? The one thing that he could wish for wouldn’t come true with a wink and a “ho ho ho”. What could he ask for?

“I,”

Harry held up two thumbs.

“I want to be able to give Harry the best Christmas as possible” he whispered.

“Great minds think alike” Santa chuckled. 

The elf’s smile actually turned genuine as she asked “Ready for your photo?”

Rushing to his side Harry posed. 

“Say candy canes!” the elf instructed.

With a flash. Their image popped up on a screen besides the elf. 

“Perfect!”

Removing himself from his sitting place he followed Harry to the screen. He had to admit that he didn’t look all that horrible, it almost looked like a normal Santa photo. Harry was beaming at the photo watching the printer as it pushed out little by little.

“How was your first Santa visit?”

“Not bad at all. Thank you for allowing this. I'm sure many kids would’ve been more ecstatic.”

“I’d do anything for my Natalie’s favorite teacher.” 

He couldn’t believe that Harry wouldn't only take him to visit Santa but to someone, he actually knew in real life. Deep down he’d wondered if Harry would be ashamed if they ran into student family members together. 

“I’m sure that your Christmas wish will come true.” With a wink, Santa disappeared.

“Thank you for trusting me on this,” he said, laying his head against Severus’s shoulder as they just snuggled up on the loveseat. 

“Honestly it is terrifying how much I trust you”

Chuckling, he pulled the blanket firmly against him.”I’m going to warn you that I will be sending that photo to Ron and Hermione as soon as we recover from our walk.”

Severus’ low chuckle rumbled against him. “Do you miss them?”

“Of course but I have no plans on leaving here.” 

“What would they be doing right now?”

“Well it is Christmas Eve so they would be all over the place. Molly would be in the kitchen cooking up a storm while the twins attempt to steal the cookies. I would be going on my tenth losing streak of chess with Ron, but since I'm not there he’s probably with Hermione under the mistletoe or maybe Ron is helping his mom in the kitchen.” 

“It sounds like a great time. Are you sure staying with me was the best choice?”

“Definitely,” he said without hesitation. 


	9. Presents

Christmas morning didn’t come with screams of joy and rushed steps down the stairs, it came calmly with the scent of cinnamon rolls. If this were the Weasley house he would’ve been shaken out of his guest bed and sat in a large circle around the overflowing Christmas tree. 

“Awake at last?” Severus teased placing a plate of cinnamon roll and bacon in front of him. “I was expecting you to have torn through your gift already.”

“Don’t act like you aren’t as curious as I am” he said, leaving his food to the side to grab the two presents nestled under the tree. “Go on and open it.”

Nervously biting his lip he watched those nimble fingers pluck at the tape and peel back the wrapping paper. He was sure Severus was being extra slow just to tease him. “Come on already,”

Chuckling Severus finally opened the box. “A scrapbook” Severus smiled. His hand running through page after page. “Thank you. You must open mine now.”

Whatever it was weighed far more than a stack of DVDs. Unable to handle the wait he tore off the wrapping paper. “A laminator.”

“A lightweight one to replace the ancient one you’re always complaining about.”

Setting it aside he pulled Severus into a hug. “Thank you.”

“What happens after the present exchange?” Severus asked.

“Actually...There’s one more gift” Harry said, his cheeks darkening again. Before he could say anything else Harry placed a bow on top of his head. “It’s kind of a gift for both of us...Would you like to unwrap it?”

“Are you sure I should?”

“Yes. Unless you want me to do it.” Harry tugged at his shirt leaving no question as to what the present was.

“Perhaps,” he cleared his throat. “You should go first.” 

Slowly Harry’s hands unbuttoned the top of his fleece pajamas. He didn’t move from his sitting position as Harry moved a little closer showing off the skin that eased into view. Exposing his collar bone then his shoulders, tones chest and lastly flat stomach before the garment fell to the ground. Nervously Harry grabbed onto his upper arms that were littered with scars that he had only seen once before. 

“It’s okay,” he said, rising to his feet to gently pull them away. Up close they were a bit frightful he couldn’t help imagine the hurt that had led Harry to receive these. Rubbing the pad of his thumb over them he looked into teary eyes. 

“Do you want to stop?”

“No. I... I just feel ashamed about them.”

“Don’t be.” He pressed a kiss onto them. “Lie down.”

Following instructions, Harry laid on the ground allowing Severus's mouth to peppered kisses from his scarred upper arms across his clavicle and up the side of his neck. Dark eyes held his each time those lips were removed from his skin silently asking for permission to continue. He would give Severus free reign of his soul if he could.

Latching his arms around Severus' neck he pulled him down for a deep kiss that left them both panting when he released them.

Seeming to be all the confirmation that he needed Severus descended on his chest. Featherlight touches of his sides preceding hungry laps of his tongue over his pert nipples that made it impossible to remain silent or still. Gasps and little “hmm”s pulled from him as he drank in the sight of Severus’s mouth all over him. He didn't think this could feel as good as it was. 

Releasing his nipple with a slight pop Severus smirked at the tent in his pants. 

“Go on” he encouraged rolling his hips slightly. 

Hooking the top of his pajama bottoms Severus pulled them down ridiculously slowly so that he could feel every centimeter of the fabric brush against his skin. 

“What are you wearing?” Severus asked his voice so deep that he nearly came from the vibration alone. 

“Don’t like it?”

Of course he liked it especially his cock that had stood at attention the second his eyes fell to the lacy undergarment that had a print of a Christmas gift. Beneath he could see the tenting of Harry's own erection. 

“It seems that you like it” Harry smirked, his hand straying to his own bulge. 

“I,” he grunted. “Do.”

“Good.” Harry smiled, his eyes shining with what could only be lust as he tugged at his bottoms. 

“We should go to the bedroom” he managed somehow to say between the palming of his cock.

“ If you think you can make it.”

Willing his resolve not to take Harry on the hard ground he lifted him up. Yelping at the sudden show of strength Harry wrapped his arms around his neck. Hurrying before the adrenaline faded he pushed through his bedroom and laid Harry onto his large bed. 

If he wasn’t erect before the sight of Harry splayed over the mattress hair tousled and straining against the thin fabric retaining his modesty would’ve put him in the mood instantly. 

“It’s so soft,” Harry said, running his hands against the silk bedding. It was far better than the floor. “Aren’t you going to join me?” he asked moving up onto his knees. He had little clue what had gotten into him to act so forward. But what he wanted was at last in front of him and he didn’t dare back away like some blushing virgin now. “Let me help you.” In a clean downward motion he freed Severus from his constraints. 

Licking his lips he drew back onto the bed soaking in the view of Severus’s exposed half. His own need screamed to be let loose but he wanted the honor to belong to Severus.

“Well?” he asked, laying back once more.

Tossing his shirt aside Severus covered his body. “You are incorrigible temptation” he whispered before sucking just below his jawline.

Legs spread wide he settled between them teasing his “gift” one last time before tossing off its wrapping. Emerald eyes begging for him to do something closed the second he lapped at the leaking head of his hard cock. Its salty taste brought him back to memories of his high school self, a version of himself that had dealt with moments like this in secret and shame until his disorder shut him away from ever engaging in acts like this. 

Pulling Harry's cock deeper into his mouth he breathed out a sigh of relief that this time would be different. That there wouldn’t be any shame in giving in to the want that they both had. 

“Severus,” Hands yanked a little at his hair in warning. 

Letting go he moved himself up Harry’s lithe body to capture those lips that had been clenched between teeth this entire time.

“More” Harry moaned, jutting his hips to grind against their groins. An involuntary jerk rippled through Harry as he slid down his body.

Harry could feel the throbbing of Severus' cock against his entrance. He wanted it. Wanted to give himself permission to accept what was going to come. All the doubts and negative thoughts in his head had no room in a moment like this. He wouldn’t let them even as he felt the urge to run as fingers drew across his scars he wouldn't give in. They both needed this confirmation that they could be intimate without one or both of them breaking down. And yet he knew if he started to tell Severus to stop he would. They would start and stop as many times as needed but he didn’t want that right now.

Inching back he felt the pulsating need beneath him. He didn't dare look in case his worries mentioned anything about the size that would enter him. It had been too long since he did this. What if he wasn’t good at it anymore? 

What if this was just Severus taking pity on his overt sexual needs? 

What if-

“Harry” Severus’s hand laced into his. Loosing a little he felt the tip of Severus’ cock penetrate. 

“Easy” Severus whispered, easing himself in slowly.

His body fought the intrusion until a hand against his cock made him forget about anything else. Through strokes he knew Severus was filling him stretching his entrance. 

“I love you” Severus grunted and something let Severus slide fully inside of him. 

Moaning at the sensation of being stuffed he rocked his hips wanting nothing more for Severus to move but knowing that his body still needed more time to get used to the stretch.

Tight heat squeezed at his cock. He didn't dare move until Harry nodded, his eyes half-lidded but not grimacing in pain as he feared. Agonizing slowly for both of them he pulled from the heat then slid back. Back and forth slow rhythmic movements.

Impatience took over Harry as he moved to rest on his elbows pushing himself to meet his slow thrusts with a more frantic pace.

“More” Harry groaned.

Slipping completely from Harry, he turned his lover over. Harry complied rising onto all fours. Lining himself up he gave one hard thrust back into the heat.

“Yes!” Harry moaned his head arching to the ceiling. “Again.”

Pulling out until only his tip was left inside he thrust again hard. Again and again he pounded into the welcoming entrance. The room filled with sounds of flesh meeting flesh mixed with the moans of Harry and his own grunting. Reaching around he pumped Harry's cock using the dribbles of precum to work the aching shaft. 

The heat tightened further around him milking the building tension from his cock until he was spilling into Harry.

With an “oh” Harry too was spilling into his hand. Beneath him he felt Harry quiver and his arms give out from his position. Removing himself he laid them more comfortably down onto the bed. 

Warm. Every inch of him felt incredibly warm and tired yet he curled up into Severus’ embrace. Fingertips ran along his arm. For once the negative thoughts had no say. He knew they would return later but for now he enjoyed the quiet and the tickle of breath against his neck. 

“Did you enjoy your gift?”

“That should go without saying” Severus chuckled, pulling him even closer to place a kiss on his shoulder. 

“Merry Christmas.”

  
  



End file.
